Often when I feel hurt, overwhelmed or frustrated, I have a second set of feelings that are judgmental of the first set. I notice myself feeling resentful about all the caretaking I’m doing and then I feel guilty for not counting my blessings. I notice feeling hurt about a loved one not meeting a need of mine and then I feel annoyed with myself for being so needy or sensitive. This is sometimes called The Second Arrow.
The first arrow is the painful moment we are in and the second arrow is our criticism of our pain. The second arrow adds more suffering to the painful moment by judging or invalidating the feelings we are experiencing. One way we can begin to be kind to ourselves is to try and avoid the second arrow. Judging painful emotions only increases our pain and keeps us stuck longer.
Avoiding the second arrow takes practice. We have to override the way our brain has been doing things. Here are a few small steps we can start with:
1. Begin by just observing your thoughts with curiosity and noticing your patterns and the stories you tell yourself. Think about the difference between saying: “I am overwhelmed,” and saying: “A feeling of overwhelm is sitting heavy on my chest right now”. You are observing the feeling, acknowledging it is separate from you and naming that it won’t last forever – this feeling is only here for this moment.
2. Remember that pain is a normal part of being human. No matter how people present themselves on the outside or on their social media, all of us are hurting in some way. When we are in a state of painful emotion, we often feel like this shouldn’t be happening or that we must have done something wrong. Can you pause for a moment and remind yourself that this state of hurt is actually normal and doesn’t mean you are doing life wrong?
3. When you are in a moment of struggle or hurt, can you call to mind and body the tenderness you have felt towards someone else in your life when they are hurting – a pet, a small child, a dear friend? When you can generate in your body the care you feel for others, can you begin to practice turning it toward yourself? Everyone deserves kindness in moments of struggle – including you!
[ Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash ]
