When parents are exhausted from a long day of work and their children need to talk about a situation they experienced at school that day, it may be hard to muster the energy to pause and really listen.
The urge to wrap up the conversation by saying something like, “You can’t get upset about everything. Kids are just mean like that. You have to learn to ignore these kinds of things” is common.
When one partner says to the other, “Did you hear what your mom said to me at dinner? She is always criticizing me.” The other partner might respond with, “That’s just how my mother is. I think you are reading way too much into that. Don’t be so touchy.”
It makes sense that anyone hearing feedback like this again and again, would begin to wonder what is wrong with them that others question and criticize their thoughts and emotions.
If you feel sadness like this,
(insert drawing here)
while your loved ones feels it like this
(insert drawing here),
it makes sense that they may have a hard time identifying with your experience of the intensity of that emotion. It also doesn’t mean your emotional experience is wrong or worse than other people.
When you have heard years of “don’t be so sensitive” or “look on the bright side” or “you are overanalyzing that,” you internalize this voice and say it to yourself before anyone else has the chance.
Here is an example: A friend makes a comment about how a joke you made fell flat in front of a group of coworkers, and you feel hurt and shame. You tell yourself that she was just joking and admonish yourself for taking everything so personally.
Now you not only feel hurt and embarrassed, but also frustrated and ashamed about feeling hurt and embarrassed.
Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? This kind of internalized self-invalidation can be unlearned, but it is a process over time. Invalidating ourselves before anyone else gets the chance is an effort to try to protect ourselves, even though it can lead to further hurt.
Patience is required to change deeply rooted self-protective habits. A good place to start is to notice when you are getting frustrated with yourself for being frustrated with yourself, pause and try to let go of the judgments. You can’t reduce self-judgment with more judgment. #babystepsandgentleness.
