A self-compassion break is an easily accessible Mindful Self-Compassion skill. You don’t need to carve out 20 minutes to meditate; you just need a moment to be mindful. Here are the 3 steps:
Step 1. Mindfulness: “This is a moment of suffering.” You can rephrase this in a way that’s relatable for you. “This sucks,” or “This feels so painful.” Basically, this step is about taking a moment to pause and try to notice what’s happening for you with curiosity rather than judgment. Sometimes I add in validation to this step as well. “You’ve been dealing with a, b and c lately, so of course you are feeling sad.” Saying this to yourself in a gentle tone can be helpful.
Step 2. Common Humanity: “Suffering is a part of life.” This could also be rephrased as “I am not alone in this” or “everyone feels this way sometimes.” Many clients tell me this sounds a lot like “everyone goes through hard times, so you have nothing to complain about.” This step is meant to be comforting, not invalidating.
When we are suffering or have made a mistake, we tend to feel very alone in that moment. But being imperfect and subject to the pain of being human is something we all have in common. Everyone has said something stupid in class or a meeting and felt embarrassed, everyone has felt hurt or rejected by a friend, everyone will lose someone they love. We truly are all in this together.
Step 3. Self-Kindness: “How can I be kind to myself in this moment?” Our brain is hardwired to respond to stress with a fight or flight response. When fight and flight are turned inward, they show up as self-criticism and isolation.
If your date says he doesn’t want to see you again, you are likely to say to yourself, “You are such an idiot. Why did you even get your hopes up? You said so many stupid things at dinner and seemed way too eager.” Would you ever speak to a friend that way? I’m guessing the answer is no. You would say, “This sucks. You are a catch, and I’m sorry this guy didn’t see that. What a terrible feeling!”
When we have noticed a moment of suffering and reminded ourselves that suffering is a part of the human condition, what do we do next?
The next step is to ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?” Maybe you need to hear comforting words from a friend, take a short walk in the sunshine, take a few deep breaths or say some kind things to yourself. Maybe you need to snuggle with your dog, take a hot shower or take a nap. There are many ways to be kind to yourself in a moment of suffering. Experiment with what works for you!
Here are two things that always help me:
- Validation. Are there ways to validate what you are feeling in the moment? i.e., “Of course I am feeling sad about how this date played out, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. Dating is so hard!” We are usually doing the best we can to get through the challenges of life, and it is helpful to remember that in hard moments.
- This too shall pass. When we are in the midst of an overwhelming emotion, most of us feel like it is a permanent condition. But the truth is emotions are like ocean waves – they rise, crest, and then fall. No emotion will last forever, and it can be helpful to remind ourselves that the emotion we are experiencing in the moment will eventually pass. This enables us to focus on how we will survive it until the current emotion passes.
